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If Microsoft Built Cars

January 14, 2006 abr3 Leave a comment

The top 14 ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars

A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until after that year, instead of before.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would just die for no reason,and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car ‘95 or a car NT, but then you’d have to buy more seats.

You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car… Wait a sec, it’s that way now!

Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

People would get excited about the “new” features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

We would still be waiting on the “6000 sux 58′” model to come out.

We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas™.

Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill Gates’ chauffeur.

The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.

Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/

Categories: Interesting

Cars for the Information Super Highway

January 14, 2006 abr3 Leave a comment

In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called “Information Super Highway”, or “Infobahn”, here is a guide to the different protocols and applications which you can use to cruise…

OSI
This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design process – almost everything has been thought of, down to the last detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons, and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick…

TCP/IP
This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously turbo-charged V12 engine underneath the clutter, but it’s getting harder to find. It’ll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and lock the wheels…

WWW
This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can think you’re lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you know where you want to go, you’re okay, since you can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately, they’re all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out how to get there…

Mosaic
This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury model. It’ll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a 5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it’s quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways, whilst sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into Gracelands.

ftp
This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want. However, there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go.

telnet
This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down, can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton truck.

X Windows
This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors, sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn, and the colour of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that you realise that you never left the drive.

Windows 95
This car is in such great demand that your order cannot be delivered until next year. However, when you do get it, it looks great, a big improvement over the Windows 3 model, and it boasts a big “Highway Ready” sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to leave the car park. You get inside, and press the big red “Go InfoBahn” button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off.

Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/

Categories: Interesting

A Nerd Hunting we will go…

January 14, 2006 abr3 Leave a comment

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “NERDS NOT ALLOWED–ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.” “Well, sure.” said the patrolman, “But it’s illegal to bait ‘em.”

Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/

Categories: Interesting

Eliminate toxic chemicals

January 14, 2006 abr3 Leave a comment

Toxic chemicals in our environment threaten our rivers and lakes, our air, land, and oceans, and ultimately ourselves and our future.

The production, trade, use, and release of many synthetic chemicals is now widely recognised as a global threat to human health and the environment.

unborn

Unborn babies are exposed in the womb to synthetic chemicals.

Yet, the world’s chemical industries continue to produce and release thousands of chemical compounds every year, in most cases with none or very little testing and understanding of their impacts on people and the environment.

Chemicals out of control

In our environment: It now seems that no part of the planet is free of chemical contamination. Research shows that fish and whales caught hundreds of miles offshore, and remote areas such as Alpine lakes and the polar regions, despite being far away from industry, are no longer pristine. Rainwater in Europe has been shown to be polluted with the hazardous chemicals that are added to consumer products.

In our homes: We tested the dust in our homes and found that it contains dangerous manmade chemicals. Chemicals can accumulate in house dust because they’re added to a whole range of ordinary household products. They are rarely labelled and you probably don’t realise they’re there. Consumer products bring these chemicals into our homes, and we are exposed to these substances, unwittingly and involuntarily.

In our products: Hazardous chemicals are intentionally added to consumer products that we use everyday. Electronics, toys, shampoos, perfumes, furniture, even baby pyjamas, can all contain substances with the potential to harm health and development. Discover which products to avoid on our chemical home site.

In our bodies: So great is the number of chemicals all around us that we’re constantly exposed to multiple doses – the combined effect of which could be affecting our health. No one knows how many man made chemicals contaminate our bodies but more that 100 is a conservative estimate. The combined effect of chemicals in our bodies, including in our blood, is largely unknown. There’s particular concern about the risks to children and babies since they are the most vulnerable, and because some of these hazardous chemicals are known to affect the development of babies – even inside the womb. Chemicals released into our environment now will go on having an impact for future generations.

Hi-Tech: Highly toxic

The world is consuming more and more electronic products every year. This has caused a dangerous explosion in electronic scrap (e-waste) containing toxic chemicals and heavy metals that cannot be disposed of or recycled safely. But this problem can be avoided. We are pressing leading electronic companies to change; to turn back the toxic tide of e-waste.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of old computers and mobile phones are dumped in landfills or burned in smelters. Thousands more are exported, often illegally, from the Europe, US, Japan and other industrialised countries, to Asia. There, workers at scrap yards, some of whom are children, are exposed to a cocktail of toxic chemicals and poisons.

child

A Chinese child sits amongst a pile of wires and e-waste. Children can often be found dismantling e-waste containing many hazardous chemicals known to be potentially very damaging to children’s health.

Toxic trade

Instead of receiving clean technologies, too often developing countries receive toxic waste, products and technologies.

Toxic ship

Currently the main focus of our work on toxic trade is stopping the dumping of dirty ships in Asia for shipbreaking.

This type of trade is immoral and environmentally destructive to the receiving countries and their people. It also prevents developed countries from investing in real solutions to pollution, and developing future markets in more appropriate technologies or products.

The most blatant offence has been the export of toxic wastes from developed to developing countries. Greenpeace has sought a ban on this type of toxic trade and achieved it through an international treaty called the Basel Convention.

The convention came into force in 1992 but it was a weak treaty. In 1994, a unique coalition of developing countries, and some from eastern and western Europe along with Greenpeace, managed to pass by consensus what has come to be known as the Basel Ban.

This became law in 1998 and banned waste transfer to developing countries. Greenpeace is now campaigning to:

· Prevent governments and companies circumventing the ban by practices such as ship breaking;

· Promote clean production;

· Halt the production and trade of toxic products such as the UN Environmental Programme list of the dirty dozen (the 12 most toxic persistent pollutants); and

· Stop toxic technologies such as incineration.

Solution

Substituting hazardous chemicals with safer materials is the answer to governments and industry that have failed to control the spread of dangerous chemicals around the globe.

Courtesy: http://www.greenpeace.org/international/campaigns/toxics

Categories: My Perspicacity