Toasters

If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters…
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters…
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters…
They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters…
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters…
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters…
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters…
“Baby’s First Toaster” would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters…
They’d be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of ‘em.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters…
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters…
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

Courtesy: http://www.toucansolutions.com/pat/wob/computer.html

French and Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine:

‘House’, in French, is feminine – ‘la maison’.

‘Pencil’, in French, is masculine – ‘le crayon’.

One puzzled student asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’ The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. Therefore, for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough by gender and asked them to decide whether Computer should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The boys’ group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computer’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The girls’ group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘le computer’), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have many data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

(It’s actually ‘un ordinateur’)
Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard… Reaction?

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Futurist: The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass.

Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

Basic programmers: No thanks; I’m still breast feeding.

MIS: I’ll drink it if you can give me until next year.

Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Prolog programmers: I know I drank it – just don’t ask me how.

Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.

UI designers: What’s that crap in my glass?

Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don’t hold me to that.

Windows users: Where’s my straw?

Mac users: Where’s my pump?

UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.

Multimedia author: [slurp!]

Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

Security consultant: Where’d the rest of the milk go?

CIA: What makes you think that’s milk?

NSA: We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn’t pay for it!

Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow’s contribution to all mankind!

Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

IBM: Rent the glass from us and we’ll fill it with something we know is good for you.

Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/

TV and PC

A long time ago, I used to use AV-mate to watch TV. One time a friend came to visit me just as I switched off the TV. Seeing this, he asked with great curiousity, “You can watch TV on computer? I want to watch, too…”

I had to run some errands, so I went out. When I came back, I found the following display on my screen:

C:\

C:\TV

Bad command or file name

C:\television

Bad command or file name

C:\turn on tv

Bad command or file name

C:\tv on

Bad command or file name

C:\on

Bad command or file name

C:\I want to watch tv

Bad command or file name

C:\Hurry and turn to TV on

Bad command or file name

C:\Damn you, turn the TV on

Bad command or file name

C:\If you don’t turn the TV on I’ll smash you to bits

Bad command or file name

Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/

World’s Smartest Man

A twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey with six people on board (the pilot, Bill Clinton, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie). Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the compartment.

“Gentlemen,” he said, “I have bad news, and good news, and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that we can easily parachute to safety. The bad news is that there are only five parachutes.” With that, the pilot threw open the door, grabbed a parachute, and jumped from the plane.

Bill Clinton was right behind him. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the leader of the world’s greatest nation. The world needs great leaders of great nations. I think the world’s greatest leader should have a parachute!” So saying, he grabbed a parachute and followed the pilot out the door.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With those words, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled through the door into the night.

Bill Gates scrambled to his feet and said, “Uh, gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man, and, well, the world needs smart men. So, uh, the world’s smartest man should have a parachute.” Grabbing a parachute, he stumbled out the door.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another calmly for a moment. Finally, the hippie picked up a parachute and held it out to the Dali Lama who said, “My son, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take the parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”

The hippie said, “Hey, no sweat, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”

Courtesy: http://computerhumour.com/